| No dumb-ass dove in my dumb-ass brain. |
[Dec. 15th, 2007|01:59 am] |
There has to be a reason why I keep doing this to myself.
Does there have to be a reason why I keep doing this to myself?
I've run out of forward momentum, but everything I'd been pulling behind me so easily has inertia on its side.
Ouf.
But I'll burn my bridges when and if I come to them, and tonight I'll sleep.
Can't say fairer than that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2007|11:16 pm] |
Where does the rest of you go...?
Where, indeed? |
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| 24 |
[Sep. 16th, 2007|08:59 pm] |
turn the light out, say good night
no thinking for a little while
listen, I'm trying to figure out everything at once
it's hard to keep track of you
falling through the sky
we're half awake in a fake empire |
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| like the deserts miss the rain |
[Aug. 27th, 2007|10:45 pm] |
Three years, 25 days and 23 hours later, and I still can't think about it too deeply.
And I still wonder if I'll ever have those parts of myself back, or anything like them at all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2007|05:07 pm] |
Depression is an insidious creature, not least because it creates in the sufferer the belief that things will not get better.
Once it has passed, it's tempting to think (hope?) that things will not get worse. I wonder if this is perhaps even more damaging than the former state of mind. It's only in fairy tales that foes are vanquished once and for all, never to return. Relapse, backsliding, only serves to reinforce the belief that things will not get better.
Maybe things will get better, maybe they won't. They probably will. Creating an expectation that they will is unwise.
Even if they don't (and they will), I will remember that I was happy not so long ago. Unambiguously and for months at a time. It's not impossible and I remember what it was like.
Maybe things will get better, maybe they won't. In the meantime I'll stand up at the beginning of each day and lie down at the end. |
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| days like these |
[Jul. 13th, 2007|02:39 pm] |
The theory is that going through the motions is better than ... not.
I'm not sure what makes it better. |
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| sick |
[Jan. 18th, 2007|11:24 pm] |
I don't have any appetite, just a series of habits and cravings.
When I go for most of a day without speaking to anybody, I find I can usually still make the words I want come out of my mouth. On a normal day, though, I use the wrong preposition or a completely unrelated noun. I stammer, I stick together halves of words to make new ones that don't make sense. I lose track of what I'm saying and forget what I've said.
It takes me longer than usual to work out what people are saying and why they're
saying it. Paranoia is worse, unlikely though that seems; my first reaction to many things and people seems to be suspicion and fear. I find that most of the time I don't have any desire to see people, and when I do my emotional responses are mostly missing or strange.
I'm tired, all the time. Resting doesn't seem to be causing any improvement, so I'll have to try to find the energy to try something else.
I suppose this is where I need to throw everything I have at it. If that doesn't work, then comes finding more things to throw. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2006|10:48 pm] |
My parents are growing older and my family is growing further apart.
If I don't tell anybody what I think or feel, I'm the only person who knows. Maybe that's why I want to tell people things, and why lately I haven't wanted to.
Riding the waves and rolling with the punches. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 15th, 2006|10:53 pm] |
I am feeling very sad about a number of things. I'm not really sure what I can do about any of them at the moment.
This, too. |
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| unstuck in time |
[Aug. 1st, 2006|12:20 am] |
I always get strange and sentimental when anniversaries come around. I wonder what will happen when I've lived for a bit longer and filled up more of the year with significant dates.
Sometimes a thing gets broke, can't be fixed.
Rain will make the flowers grow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 21st, 2006|12:46 am] |
Strange days.
I could say I've been spending this year finding pieces of myself that I never knew were missing; I could say I've grown into myself enough to begin to learn to move around.
I could say that it's just like breathing in.
I don't know where I'm going, and I'm not even trying to decide if that bothers me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|09:41 pm] |
I used to miss the good things a lot, but I don't now. They're in the past, where they belong.
Lately I've started to really miss some of the bad things. I think it might be because they proved just how important it all was to me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2006|10:40 pm] |
Dreams are odd.
After a dream I had last night, I realised that someone I rarely see and barely know has somehow come to symbolise some significant things.
It's odd. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2006|05:32 pm] |
Sometimes I feel like I made a bad decision, several years ago, and now it's too late.
In some ways it's never too late, of course, although it's always too late to change the past.
To change course now, though, I would have to change almost everything. I'm not prepared to do that.
It gets difficult, sometimes. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2006|08:52 pm] |
Each day I think about the things I would like to do before that day is over. Recently I haven't been able to do all of the things every day. If I miss doing something, the next day I think about doing it again.
I've been getting things done. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|01:20 pm] |
I've been trying not to write about things, or trying not to mind that I haven't been able to write about things. In the absence of writing and of any of the sensible behaviour I should be demanding from myself it's been too easy to get all twisted up inside myself.
If I don't try to explain things once in a while, even to myself, I start to grow comfortable with thoughts that don't make sense. By forcing them out of their usual indistinct state and into words, I usually find a better handle on what I'm actually thinking.
***
There's never a lot that comes out of June, but there's always so much that goes into it. Of all the months of the year it has the strongest vacuum. The gap between the surface and what lies beneath grows far larger than I'd like it to.
Perhaps the hardest thing to deal with is the empathy overload that comes along for the ride. Whether the things I pick up on are real or imagined, it becomes difficult to walk down the street when the joys and disappoinments of strangers are constantly hammering me in the face. Whenever I'm feeling off-kilter I find it hard to cope with this sort of thing; it's usually at its worst in June.
Withdrawing in self-defence seems like all I can do sometimes, but the layer that's emotionally blank just traps all the gunk where I can't see it. It makes things worse.
Yesterday I took all my jumpy paranoia and tension on the road a couple of times, and while the journeys themselves were somewhat fraught the destinations more than made up for that. Being able to relax into situations where I didn't feel at home may have given me the boost I needed to sit down and work on what I've got where I do feel at home. We'll see.
There's a common thread that I see wherever I look. I know that there are things I "should" be doing, and I won't get anywhere until they're done. I get stuck, though, and I don't want to do them, and so I get stuck in avoidant and destructive loops until I'm so thoroughly sick of myself that I break through somehow.
***
Somehow, without writing about any of the things that are bothering me, I feel as though I've drawn a line in the sand and dared them to step over it. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 28th, 2006|11:16 pm] |
I just don't know.
I'm trying to accept that I don't need to know. It's difficult.
I think an elephant may be materialising in the room.
I cross some bridges before I come to them, but when I come to others I balk altogether.
I think too much. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2006|07:51 pm] |
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"Tell me what makes you happy," he said, and I had so many answers I didn't know what to say. |
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